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same shit. different day. I think I've started a few posts like that before.
I'm making my way through the days at Design Reactor. Since I'm' contract I feel like I know my place a little bit. I'm not fooling myself with prospects of a salary or that what I'm doing is getting me ahead in the company. That may sound dismal to some but it's sort of liberating in a way. I know what's expected of me now and I'm getting paid accordingly. I like that. Uncertainty sucks. So knowing that I'm on a certain project with very little distraction helps me focus somewhere. If I'm expected to switch gears I can, but I prefer to be able to set my mind to one thing and make that my goal.
I had a weird conversation with this guy there. He's been there maybe a year and a half. He's a gruff dude and always speaks his mind. He does it in a very forward manner. Our conversation consisted of him laying down the idea that I don't have any friends in the company. By that he meant that the company only exists to make money and those in charge are not my friends. It made sense to me and I sort of liked how he said it. Too many times people sugar coat what they are saying. But what he was saying was true. I was proof of it. It's all smiles and sunshine up until things get lean and then it's bye bye to you. I'm paraphrasing his words a bit, but he cited how I got laid off. He also knew that the job market is tough and he said, "i know you wouldn't have come back here unless you NEEDED the job" and he's right. I needed the money and the work. It was a refreshing conversation, although sort of strange.
It's bagel day at DR. hooray hooray. P.S. there is talk of me staying there till like Match or something. Or at least until tmes get lean again. |
I found out last night as we went to dinner that I was missing out on Deathklok, Mastodon, Converge, and High on Fire. As far as shows go I'm kinda bummed I missed that one. And it was only blocks from where we were. But we were set for the night with a Bday party dinner and hanging out. We had a good time. It wasn't the end of the world to know I missed out on a good show. It did sort of suck to know though.
I am trying my hardest to make the most of work at DR. I had a weird incident on Friday where people were just assuming that they could ask me for their help. Now most of the time I'm pretty obliging but as a contractor I need to hold my ground some and let people know that I'm not a regular employee and as far as resources go I need to work on what I'm contracted to do first.
I get bothered sometimes when a PM comes around asking for a quick job. In the end you end up working on something all day or getting sidetracked from what you were working on originally. I'm not sure why it bugs me so much. But it does. I dont say much about it. I think I should sometimes. I spoke yesterday though. Skye came by asking if I could do something that he figured would take like "an hour" he also explained that he could do it but he didn't want to. It ended up being a pretty big job and would have taken the rest of the day to finish. I think he realized that it was going to take longer and I told him to talk to Jim about it. Before he could though I told Jim that it was something that might need to be sorted out later cause I had my plate full that day. I felt weird telling him that. Like I couldn't hack it orsomething. But I had to say something. I had things to do and what people were asking me to do was a little overwhelming at the time.
Honestly I'm ready to be done there. But I realize I need money. I keep saying I'll just ride out this contract until the work runs out. I guess I'm okay with that. I do feel less stressed at work these days. I feel like I've detached myself emotionally from it a little bit. Not like before. It's still stressfull but I realize I'm not going to die for this stuff and it will at some point be over.
I'm feeling lazy and vegetative today. Same as yesterday. Ive not felt much of an urge to have a drink lately. I keep saying to myself "maybe I should mix a drink" but then I realize i have limited mixer and I'm not sure what to drink. I end up talking myself out of it and heading to bed. Besides, sitting drinking by myself is kind of lame. I get loaded and feel good and it's just lke me and maria sitting there. And I feel like I'm annoying the piss out of her or something.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. I'm in charge of gravy and mashed potatoes. I do those two things very well. So everybody better stand back. |
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Nov. 18th, 2009 @ 10:29 pm
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long days and short days. DR is getting their moneys worth right now. Pulled some late nights. Been dealing with some stabbing pains in my shoulder blade as of late. I keep thinking to myself, "if it isn't one thing, it's another..." Lately it's really felt that way. If I'm not going to the urologist Im being prescribed Flonase for post nasal drip (which doesnt seem to be working). Still waking up congested. If it isn't my arm feeling completely numb it's me waking up with headaches...
Neglecting Don Swan and rememberin why I don't enjoy Design Reactor. It's the small things. The management horseshit, the hurry up and wait, the assumptions and rush rush rush, the do-overs and weird whims of clients and management. If there is any highlight to it I've been having some good conversation with Joseph. I never really got to talk to him much when I first worked there. We've been having some good laughs at work I gotta say. The late nights we pulled last week weren't as painful with each others company I'd have to say. Always good to have a decent person to work long hours with.
Wanting to be done with Design Reactor, but deciding I'll ride it out until the work runs out. They're paying me decently and it'd be nice to be able to set aside a few bucks to coast on for a month or two after I'm done there. The way things go though Money is gone as soon as it comes in. I hate it. I hate money. I'm getting paid twice what they paid me before and the bank account still seems to be empty. Where does my money go? To fast food and crap. To nothing in particular. To momentary whims and to doing insignificant crap to try help me feel liek I'm living a life and not just getting by.
It's going to be a long winter. |
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Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 09:04 am
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David posted a sweet sweet mix he did of all old school jungle tunes on our blog. It's pretty rockin if you're into the old pitched amen, horns, and ragga samples. I for one am into that shit like all get out. Check it.
SWANNIN' ABOUT MIX
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Nov. 4th, 2009 @ 06:58 am
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I'm still at DR.
I've learned to live with it.
I'm busy as hell there.
Don Swan finally launched. www.thedonswan.com
my mom is coming this weekend.
I'm looking forward to it.
She'll get to see where we live.
The trip to see Q was awesome.
I miss her even though she's technically closer to me now.
Our house is a mess.
It's a lot of same old same old.
I sort of wish I was done with DR right now.
My CT scan the other day went okay.
They don't think I need surgery.
Gotta go back to the doc in Dec.
Gotta see another doc pretty soon to find out about my heart rate.
I didn't do anything for Halloween.
I bought DJ Hero and it's fun.
I think people who take games like that too seriously are weird.
It's a game. Not a simulator.
I get rides to work from my lovely girlfriend every morning.
It makes my time at DR more bearable.
I've been hopping cabs a lot lately.
A bad thing when i know I should be walking.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I'm nervous about my mom meeting Maria's family.
I worry they will have nothing to talk about.
Or it will be awkward.
I know they will be nice to each other.
But as far as related and speaking.
That scares me.
They might not have anything to talk about.
I've been taking Flonase.
The doc said it would help with my chest congestion.
I dont think it's making much of a difference.
I should post more but I don't.
Facebook rules all now.
I suppose.
Short and concise and not at all as engaging as LJ.
I'm glad people I know still post here.
I troll heretoo much and dont comment or post.
I'm sure I'll mention that again 6 months from now when I post again.
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I remember once when I was a kid, maybe around 6 or 7 My family and my aunts family went out to pick raspberries in a field near our house. We all had a bowl and we picked for a certain amount of time and all had a good time. I remember my cousin picked more than me and I was a little jealous. I can't quite remember if she was gloating or not but I do remember getting very angry and picking up a handful of dirt and dashing it into her bowl and covering her raspberries. She started crying and ran to her mom to tell on me. I don't remember getting into trouble. I probably got scolded for ruining her raspberries. (in hindsight you could have just washed them off and they would have been okay) But I was mad that she had done something better than me.
Sometimes I feel like that moment replays itself over and over in my life. Whenever someone excels at something I spend more time feeling resentful and bitter about it than anything else. I'm good at things and I'm sure as hell better at some things than a lot of other people. I'm not sure why I got so weird about someone being better than me at something. I get defensive and resentful and hateful, not to any point where I might harm them or anything. But the thoughts in my head aren't positive. As I'm older now the thoughts are usually self-critical, "whats the matter with me?", "why can't I do things like that?" "I'm no good"
It's a weird way to think. Maybe if I could get passed that I could excel at things myself. Or at the very least do better at the things I'm good at.
Oct. 3rd, 2009 @ 11:08 am
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I remember when I was a little kid. I hated it when people would grab me by the arm and drag me along, running. They usually wanted to show me something fun or exciting.I could never run fast enough it seemed and I always ended up tripping and falling. Sometimes I would try and keep up but I always would kind of get scared and try and wrestle my hand from theirs and let go so that I wouldn't stumble and fall.
Sometimes I feel like I am being drug along by life, by the hand. Sometimes I feel like my legs can only go so fast and I can't keep up. Sometimes I wish I could wrench my hand away. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of tripping and stumbling all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I've managed to keep up this long.
Oct. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:00 am
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I remember a long time ago when Juan moved here. He would go on and on about how much he missed his friends and his home. He talked about how much he hated the places where I grew up. After a while he seemed to settle into things and didn't talk like that so much. When it came time for him to move again he talked about how happy he w as to be getting out of Lynden. I remember it hurting me inside. Not so much because he was ragging on Lynden but it felt like he was ragging on the time spent in Lynden. The time spent that I held fairly dear to me. It felt like he didn't care about any of it and in turn he didn't care about me.
I'm not sure why I take things like that so personally. Or maybe I do. It hurts to hear someone more concerned with forgetting they ever spent time somewhere. It dumps all over a personal memory. It's happening again. It makes me sad to hear Q say she wishes she never moved back. At the same time it make me sad to hear Chris saying some of the same things. It makes happy moments feel insignificant.
I hope I've never done that. I probably have though. I've probably dumped all over someones heartfelt and dear memory without a second thought. I know that if I've done it was nothing personal. But I'm sure someone probably took it personally. To all those people whos memories and moments I've shit all over, I apologize. I was probably worked up or not thinking.
Sep. 28th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
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Since I'm working in an office at the moment I can bask in the glory of a long weekend. We went to Jarred and Ami's wedding yesterday. We had a good time. I wondered if any other DR people would be there. But come to find out noone else was invited. I feel a little honored because of that. Honored because even though we don't spend a ton of time with Jarred and Ami they were thoughtful enough to invite us to their wedding. It ended up being sort of a small shindig so that made it feel a little more special.
Shot the shit with some friends of Ami. Had some good dinner and got myself so insanely stuffed. I wanted to drink a few more drinks but could barely move. Fortunately and unfortunately they only served prime rib. Good for me. Bad for Maria. She ended up eating the potatoes and veggies and left the meat to sit. If we weren't staying forever I would have saved it. They had a cake shaped like a giant simpsons donut for the grooms cake. It was pretty tastey. All in all is a good wedding/reception. Standard issue dance tunes and everyone having a great time.
Other than that I made through another week at DR. I felt horrible this week. Not sure if I had some weird bug or something but I felt ultra congested and really out of it. I'm feeling a lot better this weekend though. Which is nice cause with the stress of work and not feeling well I was pretty to pitch myself off a bridge or something.
For today we're going to place where you grill your own meat that Gabe and Virginia won't shut up about. I know Gabe wants to go cause well...it involves meat. I hope Maria is able to find something to eat there. I also hope it isn't to expensive. Maybe i'll check Yelp to see what peoople have to say.
Sep. 7th, 2009 @ 11:51 am
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| » shenanigoats |
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how come I never really knew about a moble version of livejournal?
DR is keepin me busy with stuff im finding pretty tedious and un engaging. its good pay though. wish I could say more than that.
I feel like a lazy sack a bones all the time these days. motivation at an all time low. how do I get outta this? it'll be the death of me. who knows maybe ill be too lazy to die.
I haven't been walkin to DR, maria has been gracious enough to drop me off. I know the walk would do me good. but the convenience of getting there quickly and unsweatily is nice. plus motivating oneself to walk somewhere they don't really want to go to is tough.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
Sep. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:46 am
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a fairly relaxing weekend away from our. Maria's parents left for the week so we took over their place for the weekend. had a fine barbecue last night with lamb and steak and zucchini and brownies and corn and goodness.
Not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Being back at DR has been okay. Definitely as bad as I thought it would be. I never really had a problem with any of the people there I realize. I guess it's just not the work atmosphere I desire.
Things have changed some since I left. New faces there and some old faces gone. Such a weird revolving door. I wonder if it's like that at other places like that. Who knows. I did a lot of "hi how ya doin" and "good to see you"s It's been sort of nice to be in a work atmosphere though, even though the work is pretty boring. It's been nice talking to people and being out somewhere. I get so caught up in just staying at home because I don't figure I have any place to go.
The work as I mentioned leaves a lot to be desired. It's pretty simple stuff. Really simple stuff actually. And is a little tedious. It's not like they called me in for my expertise in copying and pasting copyright text from one illustrator file to another. It's work though and they are giving me a decent wage now. Funny to think if they had kept me on they could probably have had this work done already and would have done it at a cheaper price.
David made a remark the other night that he wouldn't be surprised if they offered me a job. I thought about that for a second. I'm not sure if they would. But after thinking about it I really don't think I'd go back, if they did. The people are nice, but all the nice people in the world couldn't make some of that design work appealing to me. I don't think working in a business to business based design firm that seems to be focusing on their own software sales is my sort of place.
When I first was going to go back. I felt like I was weak or had been defeated in some way. I dont really feel that way anymore. I realize now more that DR isn't the right place for me and thats why it makes me feel so strange to be back there. I'm not the right fit. Sure I can do the work but it doesn't excite me. When I got let go I took it as I wasn't good enough to work there. My skills were always very good working there. It's just not my place that's all.
It definitely makes me want to get Don Swan up and running now that I'm sitting at DR. I feel like I've squandered some free time. Which I have. The job is only for a few weeks though so I can get back to Don Swan as soon as I'm done there.
Aug. 16th, 2009 @ 11:42 am
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at design reactor.
things are tedious here. they've changed even in the short time i've been gone. I'm doing some random tedious stuff. Adding text and what not to documents. It's production. On the upside. I'm getting paid twice what I was before. VIVA LIFE!
Aug. 13th, 2009 @ 04:41 pm
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sigh...
might do some contract work for DR...
I really need the money right now...
I wish the case were differennt. But the motivated beginning of summer is dribbling away to the reality that I'm poor, Don Swan is moving as slow as I let it and unemployment runs out soon.
Reality sucks.
If I were a different person I'd probably be doing my best to ignore it with booze or drugs...
But I'm me. And I'll sit here in a catatonic state looking at whats ahead.
Aug. 6th, 2009 @ 11:32 pm
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| » sad. |
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I've backed off talking to Q. I don't know what I could do to remedy the situation. She says she's still upset. I know how if I tried to talk to her right now I'd just push her away more. She'd run and hide like a tiny woodland creature.
As time keeps passing I feel like she's forgetting me. She's got people she can turn to. I feel like she doesn't need me anymore. I'm not involved in her life on a day to day basis. If she wanted to close the door on me I don't think it wouldn't make much of an impact in her life. She's got friends who support her and people she can share ideas and thoughts with. I feel like I've become a faceless messanger on the internet that offers her advice she doesn't want to hear and keeps in contact with people she doesn't like. If you looked at it like that why would you want to talk to that.
I guess it's had such an impact on me since I have don't know many people here. And of any of the people that I might know I have no rapport with them. In the time that we've not been talking I feel the effects of not having a friendly outlet to talk to like we did. Some might say, "just go meet some people" It's rare to find a good friend like Q. So to say that I could just find someone to replace a friend like that would be laughable. Even of the friends I have the back and forth that we have is rare. I'm not sure what I would do if she were to close the door on me because of this. The thought that this could be the end makes me sad.
I want to be able to work this out. I don't want to lose my friend. I'm not going to push her though. I'm here if she wants to talk to me. I'll always be here.
Jul. 17th, 2009 @ 10:09 am
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escape IS whats on my mind.
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 02:06 am
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