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Feb. 6th, 2010 @ 08:47 pm
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Let's start this off by saying Kraken rum is really good straight. Good enough that I drank enough of it last night to fall asleep/pass out in front my computer only to wake up at 5 in the morning. I crawled into bed and was warmed by my lovely lady.
I lost track of when exactly they let me go again at DR. It was the end of last month sometme. Has it been two weeks? It's been 3 weeks now. Wow how time flies. I've got nothing to show for the last 3 weeks. I've been a right bum. I've been playing a fuckload of street fighter on the Wii and dicking around. I wish I could say i was doing more. But I'm not. HA! What do you think of that kids? Tone Tone is a bum. Hardcore. I've ordered some ink and plan on using it soon. I need to deesign an Outpatient shirt and I need to print some other stuff. Yada yada yada.
I've been in a weird mood. Ups and downs ins and outs. Same shit different day I guess. One day I'm okay. The next i'm in the depths of despair feeling quite sorry for myself. This is all pretty generic state of the union sort of shit isn't it? Where is the meat and potatoes? I'm about the same as I ever was mentally. Mentally unstable. Physicallly I'm in poor shape. Just as poor as one could get. That gets me down some. I've tried to do some Wii fit just to keep me busy. I'd like to try and do it more. and maybe go for some walks. But sometimes I wonder what the use is...everything around here is shitty to look at. Intersections and crap. I've got nowhere to really go. I could laze around cofffee shops or whatever. But that would just be me doing when I do here, somewhere else. Cept I'd have no web access.
OH!!! I've been drawing a ton more. I've kind of set in my head to start drawing female figures. I've always been horrible at it. When I draw them from my head they look like stunted boys. I've found some awesome blogs and flickr sites that have some good figures to draw. And before you point a finger and say that I'm just lookin up naked chicks. Believe me if I wanted to look up porno i would. I don't need to go trollin art sites and photo blogs lookin for glimpses of a boob or some pubic hair.
This post is erratic. I'm sorry. Live with it. HA! |
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Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 04:26 pm
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Jan. 4th, 2010 @ 08:16 am
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Back here.
Back at DR.
sigh. groan. whine.
The vacation wasn't restful enough. It never is. Would I have been better of just sitting at home the last two weeks? We'll see what's in store for today. Apparently some sort of wireframe. At least it isn't a word doc.
The trip up to Washington was good. I didn't get to see my friends as much as I wanted to. I never do. It's never a long enough trip. Try and make the most of it and end up being burnt out by dinners and get togethers and people and more people. As much fun as New Years Eve was the better bits are always the morning after or the afternoon after. The chill times. Only got to partake in that for a few hours on New Years Day.
It was good seeing my family and mom. We spent a lot of time at home. Mostly cause I got sick and because we were without a car. It was fine though. We watched T.V. and hung out.
The last two weeks feel like a blur. I feel like I was on a completely different planet and I'm now just touching down to reality.
I felt awfully melancholy during the trip. People kept asking me what I got for Christmas and people kept talking about all the loot they got. I really wasn't concerned with that. I was happy to see my family. I know I'm not as self-less as I make myself out to be. I got some good presents but gifts weren't on my mind. I can honestly say I just enjoy being around my family and friends.
I've been in the doldrums the last few days. I keep wondering to myself, "how much longer?" at DR. When everyone asked how things were at work I replied relatively negatively. I talked about toxic work environments and weird management. I talked about being taken for granted and not feeling like part of the team.
Stepping back and spending a few weeks away, as well as being asked about it at every turn, really helps put things in perspective. I guess I really need to decide what I want to do. I suppose I'd like to do what I said and ride this contract out till it stops. That would require me to make the most out of this situation, or at the very least do my best not to stress out about it and realize that it isn't permanent. I'd also like very much to dive headlong into Don Swan. I realize though to turn any profit is going to require a lot of effort.
So I guess the big things I'd like to focus on are getting done with DR, which is inevitable. Unless I died and this is my hell. And doing as much as I can with Don Swan.
Viva La Don. |
Dreading going back to Design Reactor. Dave called me today asking about my availability for some quick turn around work over the weekend. I told him I wasn't going to be in until Monday. It sort of made me mad. I feel like if another designer read that they might just tell me to suck it up and realize that that is part of contracting. I feel fed up though. He would know if he had talked to Jim about what the creative people on staff were doing that I wasn't going to be back yet.
I feel like a little kid or something who's grown weary of a ride that's gone on too long. I want to get off of it. I know the money will go away. The day in day out is getting to me again. The weirdo management style is getting to me as well.
This trip has been very lazy. All we've done is sat at my mom's house. No going out, no nothing. Aside from a few trips out to eat and go to Camilles birthday thing we've done nothing. IT doesn't help that I got whatever stomach bug my family had. That put me out of commission for almost 3 days. I'm still recovering. I wish I could have a vacation from my vacation.
I'm looking forward to tonight. Not as much as I should be. Being sick and not being able to sleep has taken it out of me. I get to see Dane and Q and David. I get to see Nate and Jess and I think Lori and Nate may come up. I'll get to see other people as well, who are just as special. I'll try and make the most of things and enjoy myself as much as I can. These moments are fleeting nowadays. |
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Dec. 23rd, 2009 @ 11:08 am
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having a good time being here in Lynden.
Haven't done a heck of a lot yet. But I'm okay with that. With the pending Christmas activities and New Years Eve coming there will be plenty to do. We're just taking it as it comes. We missed out on a quickly planned party at Kevins parents. I'm not sure we felt up to driving out to Chuckanut though. It's sort of like, "hey I planned an impromptu party on the complete other side of the county...you should come" Meh, we were carless anyhow and I'm sure i'll see all those peepz soon anyhow. |
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Design Reactor Holiday stuff yesterday.
Things were okay with all that. The time I did this before things drug on and people got tired of things. They had a lunch and games again. Since I've been back that seems to be one of the only real "morale boosters" done aside from a helping of bagels on Fridays. Other than that it's work work work. Gone are the Christmas bonus days. Gone are the company picnics. It's pretty disheartening. I feel a little lucky to be a contractor and kind of have an outside look on things now.
Speaking of outside looks at things. I got to forego the long winded company meeting. Those things always tend to drag on forever and it's all a lot of back patting and pep talking about how everyone is great. I know a lot of people aren't to keen on things but it's not like you can really say much about it. So in the end I got to dink around in a quiet office and eat a free bagel and some poundcake while everyone else got to sit quietly for an hour and a half and listen to the "state of the union".
I also got to reap the benefits of games and lunch. I actually had a good time with the games. There were four different games. I ended up doing awesomely on the "pictionary" game we played. All those years of family Pictionary playing paid off. I do have to say that Skye was a very good guesser and that's all part of the equation.
We ended up coming in second. Which I thought we were going to do worse. After that I came home and got ready forthe party. I figured I'd go and get my moneys worth. For all the shit that goes down working there I might as well try and drink as much free liquor and stuff as many crabcakes into my gullet as I can. The food was good and the drinks were strong. I must have been getting tipsy at one point cause I had to ask the bartender if he put rum in the drink. Maria tasted it and didn;t tell me she tasted the rum. So I went and asked him for rum and so he glugs a bunch more in there and then Maria turns to me and says "oh...yea. I tasted the rum before and saw him put it in there." I sort of felt like a drunk retard for a second.
We went with Jarred and Ami. They're definitely on the same page with us about the whole DR situation. Ami can definitely dish out some choice words for all the people there. She definitely says what we are all thinking. It's sort of hard to tell where people stand with the management and the people that work at DR sometimes. Jarred and Ami are good to hang out with though and we had a good time with them last night. Although sometimes I wonder if we'd have much to talk a bout if we had other jobs. I suppose as long as Jarred and I are in the design field we'll always have something to shoot the shit about.
Bitching about things can be a double edged sword. It kinda felt nice to let loose and get some stuff off my chest. It felt good to vent. Maria understands some of the situation but to get togetherwith Jarred and Ami and really sort of relate to the situation is good. The bad part starts to sink when you realize, "wow...i'm letting myself be treated this way?" After getting home and relaxing I let it sink some and wound up going to bed feeling a little sad and melancholy. I guess I feel a little better contracting there. AT least I know my place and I know that I'm a temp and I'm there to do a specific thing. But at thesame time. its like wha? I went back there? The things we do for money Iguess.
Glad I'm on vacay for the next while.
Dec. 19th, 2009 @ 10:48 am
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| » rocking rocking rocking |
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same shit. different day. I think I've started a few posts like that before.
I'm making my way through the days at Design Reactor. Since I'm' contract I feel like I know my place a little bit. I'm not fooling myself with prospects of a salary or that what I'm doing is getting me ahead in the company. That may sound dismal to some but it's sort of liberating in a way. I know what's expected of me now and I'm getting paid accordingly. I like that. Uncertainty sucks. So knowing that I'm on a certain project with very little distraction helps me focus somewhere. If I'm expected to switch gears I can, but I prefer to be able to set my mind to one thing and make that my goal.
I had a weird conversation with this guy there. He's been there maybe a year and a half. He's a gruff dude and always speaks his mind. He does it in a very forward manner. Our conversation consisted of him laying down the idea that I don't have any friends in the company. By that he meant that the company only exists to make money and those in charge are not my friends. It made sense to me and I sort of liked how he said it. Too many times people sugar coat what they are saying. But what he was saying was true. I was proof of it. It's all smiles and sunshine up until things get lean and then it's bye bye to you. I'm paraphrasing his words a bit, but he cited how I got laid off. He also knew that the job market is tough and he said, "i know you wouldn't have come back here unless you NEEDED the job" and he's right. I needed the money and the work. It was a refreshing conversation, although sort of strange.
It's bagel day at DR. hooray hooray. P.S. there is talk of me staying there till like Match or something. Or at least until tmes get lean again.
Dec. 4th, 2009 @ 07:21 am
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| » reesey reese. |
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I found out last night as we went to dinner that I was missing out on Deathklok, Mastodon, Converge, and High on Fire. As far as shows go I'm kinda bummed I missed that one. And it was only blocks from where we were. But we were set for the night with a Bday party dinner and hanging out. We had a good time. It wasn't the end of the world to know I missed out on a good show. It did sort of suck to know though.
I am trying my hardest to make the most of work at DR. I had a weird incident on Friday where people were just assuming that they could ask me for their help. Now most of the time I'm pretty obliging but as a contractor I need to hold my ground some and let people know that I'm not a regular employee and as far as resources go I need to work on what I'm contracted to do first.
I get bothered sometimes when a PM comes around asking for a quick job. In the end you end up working on something all day or getting sidetracked from what you were working on originally. I'm not sure why it bugs me so much. But it does. I dont say much about it. I think I should sometimes. I spoke yesterday though. Skye came by asking if I could do something that he figured would take like "an hour" he also explained that he could do it but he didn't want to. It ended up being a pretty big job and would have taken the rest of the day to finish. I think he realized that it was going to take longer and I told him to talk to Jim about it. Before he could though I told Jim that it was something that might need to be sorted out later cause I had my plate full that day. I felt weird telling him that. Like I couldn't hack it orsomething. But I had to say something. I had things to do and what people were asking me to do was a little overwhelming at the time.
Honestly I'm ready to be done there. But I realize I need money. I keep saying I'll just ride out this contract until the work runs out. I guess I'm okay with that. I do feel less stressed at work these days. I feel like I've detached myself emotionally from it a little bit. Not like before. It's still stressfull but I realize I'm not going to die for this stuff and it will at some point be over.
I'm feeling lazy and vegetative today. Same as yesterday. Ive not felt much of an urge to have a drink lately. I keep saying to myself "maybe I should mix a drink" but then I realize i have limited mixer and I'm not sure what to drink. I end up talking myself out of it and heading to bed. Besides, sitting drinking by myself is kind of lame. I get loaded and feel good and it's just lke me and maria sitting there. And I feel like I'm annoying the piss out of her or something.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. I'm in charge of gravy and mashed potatoes. I do those two things very well. So everybody better stand back.
Nov. 22nd, 2009 @ 04:59 pm
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long days and short days. DR is getting their moneys worth right now. Pulled some late nights. Been dealing with some stabbing pains in my shoulder blade as of late. I keep thinking to myself, "if it isn't one thing, it's another..." Lately it's really felt that way. If I'm not going to the urologist Im being prescribed Flonase for post nasal drip (which doesnt seem to be working). Still waking up congested. If it isn't my arm feeling completely numb it's me waking up with headaches...
Neglecting Don Swan and rememberin why I don't enjoy Design Reactor. It's the small things. The management horseshit, the hurry up and wait, the assumptions and rush rush rush, the do-overs and weird whims of clients and management. If there is any highlight to it I've been having some good conversation with Joseph. I never really got to talk to him much when I first worked there. We've been having some good laughs at work I gotta say. The late nights we pulled last week weren't as painful with each others company I'd have to say. Always good to have a decent person to work long hours with.
Wanting to be done with Design Reactor, but deciding I'll ride it out until the work runs out. They're paying me decently and it'd be nice to be able to set aside a few bucks to coast on for a month or two after I'm done there. The way things go though Money is gone as soon as it comes in. I hate it. I hate money. I'm getting paid twice what they paid me before and the bank account still seems to be empty. Where does my money go? To fast food and crap. To nothing in particular. To momentary whims and to doing insignificant crap to try help me feel liek I'm living a life and not just getting by.
It's going to be a long winter.
Nov. 18th, 2009 @ 10:29 pm
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David posted a sweet sweet mix he did of all old school jungle tunes on our blog. It's pretty rockin if you're into the old pitched amen, horns, and ragga samples. I for one am into that shit like all get out. Check it.
SWANNIN' ABOUT MIX
Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 09:04 am
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I'm still at DR.
I've learned to live with it.
I'm busy as hell there.
Don Swan finally launched. www.thedonswan.com
my mom is coming this weekend.
I'm looking forward to it.
She'll get to see where we live.
The trip to see Q was awesome.
I miss her even though she's technically closer to me now.
Our house is a mess.
It's a lot of same old same old.
I sort of wish I was done with DR right now.
My CT scan the other day went okay.
They don't think I need surgery.
Gotta go back to the doc in Dec.
Gotta see another doc pretty soon to find out about my heart rate.
I didn't do anything for Halloween.
I bought DJ Hero and it's fun.
I think people who take games like that too seriously are weird.
It's a game. Not a simulator.
I get rides to work from my lovely girlfriend every morning.
It makes my time at DR more bearable.
I've been hopping cabs a lot lately.
A bad thing when i know I should be walking.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I'm nervous about my mom meeting Maria's family.
I worry they will have nothing to talk about.
Or it will be awkward.
I know they will be nice to each other.
But as far as related and speaking.
That scares me.
They might not have anything to talk about.
I've been taking Flonase.
The doc said it would help with my chest congestion.
I dont think it's making much of a difference.
I should post more but I don't.
Facebook rules all now.
I suppose.
Short and concise and not at all as engaging as LJ.
I'm glad people I know still post here.
I troll heretoo much and dont comment or post.
I'm sure I'll mention that again 6 months from now when I post again.
Nov. 4th, 2009 @ 06:58 am
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I remember once when I was a kid, maybe around 6 or 7 My family and my aunts family went out to pick raspberries in a field near our house. We all had a bowl and we picked for a certain amount of time and all had a good time. I remember my cousin picked more than me and I was a little jealous. I can't quite remember if she was gloating or not but I do remember getting very angry and picking up a handful of dirt and dashing it into her bowl and covering her raspberries. She started crying and ran to her mom to tell on me. I don't remember getting into trouble. I probably got scolded for ruining her raspberries. (in hindsight you could have just washed them off and they would have been okay) But I was mad that she had done something better than me.
Sometimes I feel like that moment replays itself over and over in my life. Whenever someone excels at something I spend more time feeling resentful and bitter about it than anything else. I'm good at things and I'm sure as hell better at some things than a lot of other people. I'm not sure why I got so weird about someone being better than me at something. I get defensive and resentful and hateful, not to any point where I might harm them or anything. But the thoughts in my head aren't positive. As I'm older now the thoughts are usually self-critical, "whats the matter with me?", "why can't I do things like that?" "I'm no good"
It's a weird way to think. Maybe if I could get passed that I could excel at things myself. Or at the very least do better at the things I'm good at.
Oct. 3rd, 2009 @ 11:08 am
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I remember when I was a little kid. I hated it when people would grab me by the arm and drag me along, running. They usually wanted to show me something fun or exciting.I could never run fast enough it seemed and I always ended up tripping and falling. Sometimes I would try and keep up but I always would kind of get scared and try and wrestle my hand from theirs and let go so that I wouldn't stumble and fall.
Sometimes I feel like I am being drug along by life, by the hand. Sometimes I feel like my legs can only go so fast and I can't keep up. Sometimes I wish I could wrench my hand away. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of tripping and stumbling all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I've managed to keep up this long.
Oct. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:00 am
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I remember a long time ago when Juan moved here. He would go on and on about how much he missed his friends and his home. He talked about how much he hated the places where I grew up. After a while he seemed to settle into things and didn't talk like that so much. When it came time for him to move again he talked about how happy he w as to be getting out of Lynden. I remember it hurting me inside. Not so much because he was ragging on Lynden but it felt like he was ragging on the time spent in Lynden. The time spent that I held fairly dear to me. It felt like he didn't care about any of it and in turn he didn't care about me.
I'm not sure why I take things like that so personally. Or maybe I do. It hurts to hear someone more concerned with forgetting they ever spent time somewhere. It dumps all over a personal memory. It's happening again. It makes me sad to hear Q say she wishes she never moved back. At the same time it make me sad to hear Chris saying some of the same things. It makes happy moments feel insignificant.
I hope I've never done that. I probably have though. I've probably dumped all over someones heartfelt and dear memory without a second thought. I know that if I've done it was nothing personal. But I'm sure someone probably took it personally. To all those people whos memories and moments I've shit all over, I apologize. I was probably worked up or not thinking.
Sep. 28th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
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| » mmm...sprinkles |
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Since I'm working in an office at the moment I can bask in the glory of a long weekend. We went to Jarred and Ami's wedding yesterday. We had a good time. I wondered if any other DR people would be there. But come to find out noone else was invited. I feel a little honored because of that. Honored because even though we don't spend a ton of time with Jarred and Ami they were thoughtful enough to invite us to their wedding. It ended up being sort of a small shindig so that made it feel a little more special.
Shot the shit with some friends of Ami. Had some good dinner and got myself so insanely stuffed. I wanted to drink a few more drinks but could barely move. Fortunately and unfortunately they only served prime rib. Good for me. Bad for Maria. She ended up eating the potatoes and veggies and left the meat to sit. If we weren't staying forever I would have saved it. They had a cake shaped like a giant simpsons donut for the grooms cake. It was pretty tastey. All in all is a good wedding/reception. Standard issue dance tunes and everyone having a great time.
Other than that I made through another week at DR. I felt horrible this week. Not sure if I had some weird bug or something but I felt ultra congested and really out of it. I'm feeling a lot better this weekend though. Which is nice cause with the stress of work and not feeling well I was pretty to pitch myself off a bridge or something.
For today we're going to place where you grill your own meat that Gabe and Virginia won't shut up about. I know Gabe wants to go cause well...it involves meat. I hope Maria is able to find something to eat there. I also hope it isn't to expensive. Maybe i'll check Yelp to see what peoople have to say.
Sep. 7th, 2009 @ 11:51 am
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