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Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 09:04 am
David posted a sweet sweet mix he did of all old school jungle tunes on our blog. It's pretty rockin if you're into the old pitched amen, horns, and ragga samples. I for one am into that shit like all get out. Check it.

SWANNIN' ABOUT MIX


Nov. 4th, 2009 @ 06:58 am
I'm still at DR.
I've learned to live with it.
I'm busy as hell there.
Don Swan finally launched. www.thedonswan.com
my mom is coming this weekend.
I'm looking forward to it.
She'll get to see where we live.
The trip to see Q was awesome.
I miss her even though she's technically closer to me now.
Our house is a mess.
It's a lot of same old same old.
I sort of wish I was done with DR right now.
My CT scan the other day went okay.
They don't think I need surgery.
Gotta go back to the doc in Dec.
Gotta see  another doc pretty soon to find out about my heart rate.
I didn't do anything for Halloween.
I bought DJ Hero and it's fun.
I think people who take games like that too seriously are weird.
It's a game. Not a simulator.
I get rides to work from my lovely girlfriend every morning.
It makes my time at DR more bearable.
I've been hopping cabs a lot lately.
A bad thing when i know I should be walking.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I'm nervous about my mom meeting Maria's family.
I worry they will have nothing to talk about.
Or it will be awkward.
I know they will be nice to each other.
But as far as related and speaking.
That scares me.
They might not have anything to talk about.
I've been taking Flonase.
The doc said it would help with my chest congestion.
I dont think it's making much of a difference.
I should post more but  I don't.
Facebook rules all now.
I suppose.
Short and concise and not at all as engaging as LJ.
I'm glad people I know still post here.
I troll heretoo much and dont comment or post.
I'm sure I'll mention that again 6 months from now when I post again.


Oct. 3rd, 2009 @ 11:08 am
I remember once when I was a kid, maybe around 6 or 7 My family and my aunts family went out to pick raspberries in a field near our house. We all had a bowl and we picked for a certain amount of time and all had a good time. I remember my cousin picked more than me and I was a little jealous. I can't quite remember if she was gloating or not but I do remember getting very angry and picking up a handful of dirt and dashing it into her bowl and covering her raspberries. She started crying and ran to her mom to tell on me. I don't remember getting into trouble. I probably got scolded for ruining her raspberries. (in hindsight you could have just washed them off and they would have been okay) But I was mad that she had done something better than me.

Sometimes I feel like that moment replays itself over and over in my life. Whenever someone excels at something I spend more time feeling resentful and bitter about it than anything else. I'm good at things and I'm sure as hell better at some things than a lot of other people. I'm not sure why I got so weird about someone being better than me at something. I get defensive and resentful and hateful, not to any point where I might harm them or anything. But the thoughts in my head aren't positive. As I'm older now the thoughts are usually self-critical, "whats the matter with me?", "why can't I do things like that?" "I'm no good"

It's a weird way to think. Maybe if I could get passed that I could excel at things myself. Or at the very least do better at the things I'm good at.

rumpus room. Oct. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:00 am
I remember when I was a little kid. I hated it when people would grab me by the arm and drag me along, running. They usually wanted to show me something fun or exciting.I could never run fast enough it seemed and I always ended up tripping and falling. Sometimes I would try and keep up but I always would kind of get scared and try and wrestle my hand from theirs and let go so that I wouldn't stumble and fall.

Sometimes I feel like I am being drug along by life, by the hand. Sometimes I feel like my legs can only go so fast and I can't keep up. Sometimes I wish I could wrench my hand away. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of tripping and stumbling all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I've managed to keep up this long.

Sep. 28th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
I remember a long time ago when Juan moved here. He would go on and on about how much he missed his friends and his home. He talked about how much he hated the places where I grew up. After a while he seemed to settle into things and didn't talk like that so much. When it came time for him to move again he talked about how happy he w as to be getting out of Lynden. I remember it hurting me inside. Not so much because he was ragging on Lynden but it felt like he was ragging on the time spent in Lynden. The time spent that I held fairly dear to me. It felt like he didn't care about any of it and in turn he didn't care about me.

I'm not sure why I take things like that so personally. Or maybe I do. It hurts to hear someone more concerned with forgetting they ever spent time somewhere. It dumps all over a personal memory. It's happening again. It makes me sad to hear Q say she wishes she never moved back. At the same time it make me sad to hear Chris saying some of the same things. It makes happy moments feel insignificant.

I hope I've never done that. I probably have though. I've probably dumped all over someones heartfelt and dear memory without a second thought. I know that if I've done it was nothing personal. But I'm sure someone probably took it personally. To all those people whos memories and moments I've shit all over, I apologize. I was probably worked up or not thinking.
Other entries
» mmm...sprinkles
Since I'm working in an office at the moment I can bask in the glory of a long weekend. We went to Jarred and Ami's wedding yesterday. We had a good time. I wondered if any other DR people would be there. But come to find out noone else was invited. I feel a little honored because of that. Honored because even though we don't spend a ton of time with Jarred and Ami they were thoughtful enough to invite us to their wedding. It ended up being sort of a small shindig so that made it feel a little more special.

Shot the shit with some friends of Ami. Had some good dinner and got myself so insanely stuffed. I wanted to drink a few more drinks but could barely move. Fortunately and unfortunately they only served prime rib. Good for me. Bad for Maria. She ended up eating the potatoes and veggies and left the meat to sit. If we weren't staying forever I would have saved it. They had a cake shaped like a giant simpsons donut for the grooms cake. It was pretty tastey. All in all is a good wedding/reception. Standard issue dance tunes and everyone having a great time.

Other than that I made through another week at DR. I felt horrible this week. Not sure if I had some weird bug or something but I felt ultra congested and really out of it. I'm feeling a lot better this weekend though. Which is nice cause with the stress of work and not feeling well I was pretty to pitch myself off a bridge or something.

For today we're going to place where you grill your own meat that Gabe and Virginia won't shut up about. I know Gabe wants to go cause well...it involves meat. I hope Maria is able to find something to eat there. I also hope it isn't to expensive. Maybe i'll check Yelp to see what peoople have to say.
Sep. 7th, 2009 @ 11:51 am
» shenanigoats
how come I never really knew about a moble version of livejournal?

DR is keepin me busy with stuff im finding pretty tedious and un engaging. its good pay though. wish I could say more than that.

I feel like a lazy sack a bones all the time these days. motivation at an all time low. how do I get outta this? it'll be the death of me. who knows maybe ill be too lazy to die.

I haven't been walkin to DR, maria has been gracious enough to drop me off. I know the walk would do me good. but the convenience of getting there quickly and unsweatily is nice. plus motivating oneself to walk somewhere they don't really want to go to is tough.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
Sep. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:46 am
» (No Subject)
a fairly relaxing weekend away from our. Maria's parents left for the week so we took over their place for the weekend. had a fine barbecue last night with lamb and steak and zucchini and brownies and corn and goodness.

Not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Being back at DR has been okay. Definitely as bad as I thought it would be. I never really had a problem with any of the people there I realize. I guess it's just not the work atmosphere I desire.

Things have changed some since I left. New faces there and some old faces gone. Such a weird revolving door. I wonder if it's like that at other places like that. Who knows. I did a lot of "hi how ya doin" and "good to see you"s It's been sort of nice to be in a work atmosphere though, even though the work is pretty boring. It's been nice talking to people and being out somewhere. I get so caught up in just staying at home because I don't figure I have any place to go.

The work as I mentioned leaves a lot to be desired. It's pretty simple stuff. Really simple stuff actually. And is a little tedious. It's not like they called me in for my expertise in copying and pasting copyright text from one illustrator file to another. It's work though and they are giving me a decent wage now. Funny to think if they had kept me on they could probably have had this work done already and would have done it at a cheaper price.

David made a remark the other night that he wouldn't be surprised if they offered me a job. I thought about that for a second. I'm not sure if they would. But after thinking about it I really don't think I'd go back, if they did. The people are nice, but all the nice people in the world couldn't make some of that design work appealing to me. I don't think working in a business to business based design firm that seems to be focusing on their own software sales is my sort of place.

When I first was going to go back. I felt like I was weak or had been defeated in some way. I dont really feel that way anymore. I realize now more that DR isn't the right place for me and thats why it makes me feel so strange to be back there. I'm not the right fit. Sure I can do the work but it doesn't excite me. When I got let go I took it as I wasn't good enough to work there. My skills were always very good working there. It's just not my place that's all.

It definitely makes me want to get Don Swan up and running now that I'm sitting at DR. I feel like I've squandered some free time. Which I have. The job is only for a few weeks though so I can get back to Don Swan as soon as I'm done there.
Aug. 16th, 2009 @ 11:42 am
» (No Subject)
at design reactor.

things are tedious here. they've changed even in the short time i've been gone. I'm doing some random tedious stuff. Adding text and what not to documents. It's production. On the upside. I'm getting paid twice what I was before. VIVA LIFE!
Aug. 13th, 2009 @ 04:41 pm
» (No Subject)
sigh...

might do some contract work for DR...

I really need the money right now...

I wish the case were differennt. But the motivated beginning of summer is dribbling away to the reality that I'm poor, Don Swan is moving as slow as I let it and unemployment runs out soon.

Reality sucks.

If I were a different person I'd probably be doing my best to ignore it with booze or drugs...

But I'm me. And I'll sit here in a catatonic state looking at whats ahead.
Aug. 6th, 2009 @ 11:32 pm
» sad.
I've backed off talking to Q. I don't know what I could do to remedy the situation. She says she's still upset. I know how if I tried to talk to her right now I'd just push her away more. She'd run and hide like a tiny woodland creature.

As time keeps passing I feel like she's forgetting me. She's got people she can turn to. I feel like she doesn't need me anymore. I'm not involved in her life on a day to day basis. If she wanted to close the door on me I don't think it wouldn't make much of an impact in her life. She's got friends who support her and people she can share ideas and thoughts with. I feel like I've become a faceless messanger on the internet that offers her advice she doesn't want to hear and keeps in contact with people she doesn't like. If you looked at it like that why would you want to talk to that.

I guess it's had such an impact on me since I have don't know many people here. And of any of the people that I might know I have no rapport with them. In the time that we've not been talking I feel the effects of not having a friendly outlet to talk to like we did. Some might say, "just go meet some people" It's rare to find a good friend like Q. So to say that I could just find someone to replace a friend like that would be laughable. Even of the friends I have the back and forth that we have is rare. I'm not sure what I would do if she were to close the door on me because of this. The thought that this could be the end makes me sad.

I want to be able to work this out. I don't want to lose my friend. I'm not going to push her though. I'm here if she wants to talk to me. I'll always be here.
Jul. 17th, 2009 @ 10:09 am
» (No Subject)
escape IS whats on my mind.
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 02:06 am
» (No Subject)
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about truth. I've been thinking about how we go about our days placating each other with what we like to call the truth. But when an actual truth is thrown into our faces a lot of us tend to reel back in reactions not becoming of us. I've been thinking about how I feel quite hypocritical at times because as much as I try to "tell it like it is" I know that when the same is done to me my reactions are pretty juvenile.

What gets to me is how often we delude ourselves into thinking that we tell the truth and accept the truth. What also gets to me is the fact that I feel like most of the time the people you would expect to be the most honest and open with you are the ones that will probably sugar coat things the most. The way I see it is those closest to you have too much invested in a relationship with you and a poor reaction to real honesty, on your part, could bring that to a screeching halt. So we go around telling half truths, we go around telling people the things they want to hear, and we outright lie.

I feel like I've tried to be as honest as I can about the situation with Chris and Erin. I also feel like I've tried to stay as impartial as I can about the whole thing. Have I withheld an honest thought from either party just to be supportive? yes. Why? Because they are close friends and I feel like if I told either of them what was on my mind I would ruin that relationship forever.

I guess I've been thinking about honesty and truth a lot because I feel like I've been put into an awkward position. It's a position where I feel like I would be choosing between them. I feel like I would be drawing a line in the sand. I can't do that. It would take a lot for me to do that and I'm nowhere near that point. That's about as honest as I can be about the situation and I don't think Erin is very happy with that. I'm not ready to backpedal or make a decision just to make her happy. I've chosen to stay as impartial as I can and if that doesn't make her happy there isn't much I can do about that.
Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 11:22 am
» forever.
Today has been a very strange day. I've done my best to stay motivated and get some things done but I haven't been doing a very good job of it. Our house is a mess, there is a sink full of dishes, a living room in a state of disarray and a bedroom just the same. The entire I've felt sort of catatonic to it all. So much to take care of and no idea what I should start with. I did manage to get a few things cleaned up and some stuff out of the living room.

I feel like we are slowly outgrowing our tiny little house. With no job and the idea of having to pay more to move into a place that would suit us I feel stuck here. I fear we'll slowly be buried under a mountain of our stuff. Or an earthquake will hit and our termite ridden cracker box will disintegrate into pile of sawdust.

I'm trying to keep on with Don Swan stuff. We need to launch the site. I need to print more shirts. I also need to work on some new designs. Onward and upward.

Maria's made it through his surgery okay. We spent the day at the hospital yesterday. Everything went well. I was glad to be there for moral support. I did my best to sort of hang back and let everyone deal with things as they wanted to. TO me surgery is a very serious thing and I don't need to be lousing things up by saying too much or acting the fool.

I spent a fair amount of time with marias sister and nephew Daniel. He was getting a little restless and rambunctious at certain times through the day. I found myself speaking up a bit. Not something Im prone to doing. I feel like he gets the run of things a lot of the time and there are times I think he needs to know that he's not acting appropriately. He was pretty good though. Trying to get a 7 year old to hang out for almost 10 hours or so at a hospital is quite a feat. Even the most well behaved kid is going to act up.

I was wrecked at the end of the day yesterday though. Getting up early and not eating a good meal all day made me feel pretty out of it.
Jul. 7th, 2009 @ 09:09 pm
» parasites
Let's see.

What's going on? Whats going on you say? I'm trying my best to type right now likee I learned back in high school. Hands on the proper keys and not looking at things. I never realized how often I look at the keyboard or at least want to look at the keyboard. It's mostly when I want to use the numbers. I tried typing in my password to livejournal without looking and had to retype it like 9 times. Maybe more. I used to be fairly good at typing without looking. I think these days after so many years of internet typing I have strange habits. Like compulsively back spacing.

I saw this text editor someone made a whle back that wouldn't let you backspace or edit what you typed. I assume it was more for novelty than to actually get things done. But I guess a lot of peoplpe made it a lot of years typing on typewriters. They were all getting high on white out though. I remember my mom bought an electric typewriter when I was a kid for her schooling. I loved to play with it. It was loud and had this awesome white out ribbon that made this loud mechanical ka chunk ka chunk chunk chunk chunk. when you erased a letter.

The 4th Today and Maria's mom's bday. We're heading over there to have a BBQ. I feel like we've been there like every weekend the last month or so. Nothing wrong with that primarily. For some reason I thought they consolidated 3 bdays into one party last weekend. Apparently I was wrong. There was a cake thing for Sophas bday this last week. Which I didn't go to. And now a thing this weekend. Oh well. More free barbecue. I can't pass that up.

We also hit up a barbecue in the hot hot heat last Sunday with Luke and his dad and Jay and Francisco and a few other people. It was a good time. It was super hot though. We kept cooler in the shade and just hung out for a while. Ate some ice cream from the palatera ladies and played apples to apples. By the end of the day we were pooped out from the heat.

OH! Me and Ben got to hang out for a night also. That was good fun. He bought a pile of booze to take back to Washington with him. We had a vodka taste test. Some were better than others. Mine was kind of harsh. We had some food and shot the shit about life and not working at the moment. I sort of feel like I've become far enough removed from being laid that I need to stop talking about it or just refer to myself as unemployed. Although I am working towards this t-shirt thing I feel like I can't get all bitter and talkl about getting laid off like it happened last week or something.

It was good to talk to him though. We sort of shared the same viewpoint on how we'd like our careers to go. That mainly being we want to enjoy what we do and not have it kill us at the end of the day. It was good fun and I look forward to his wedding.

As far as the t-shirt thing is going right now, I haven't printed for almost a month. We have been working on the website though. Made some good progress in that field this week. I feel okay not printing, even though we've got shirts, this week because I did some good work on the site. Things may change some more with the look of the site but I feel good knowing that I now have a little more knowledge on what I'm doing in wordpress.

Watched The Warriors and made homemade pizza last night with the Oceans of Fire. That was fun. Barbecued pizza is awesome. I think I win the award for roundest pizza, lol. We had a good time though. We were all crackin up laughin at the movie. It was better than the last one we watched over there. If you're going to have a movie night and be social about it try not to watch depressing movies like the story of Joy Division.

We need to get tickets and I need to talk to Ben about the wedding. and blah blah blah.
Jul. 4th, 2009 @ 10:37 am

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